On August 12th, I managed to get a stop at an inpatient center in the mid South. I stayed there for two weeks, and this is my impression of the place and what happened there. I am not going to name the center. The stay was paid for by my health insurance. I was originally scheduled to stay there for 30 days, but was medically discharged for blood pressure and possible heart arrhythmia.

Psychiatrist at the center told me that the overdose had damaged some nerves and that the noise in my head might get better in a few years time as the nerves regenerate.

Mindfulness and meditation
Told me that I don’t have hyper vigilance but I am just sensitive and it’s a gift and I should use it. I was invalidated. Just try being near me when I am startled and see if it is a ‘gift’.

Breathworks
Told me in the first 10 minutes that I do not have bpd just trauma and she asked me if I knew the criteria for a bpd diagnosis. Said that she would look at my records. She also told me that I might not want to stay married when I leave the center. She also told me that she didn’t believe in reiki and it does nothing. Odd experience with bad headache and possible memory of being hungry as a baby. Invalidated once again. 11 hours of psychological testing by two separate centers arrived at the same diagnosis.

Emdr
Visualized a safe place but it then changed and got polluted.

A young woman who gave me hugs and attention all the time and I was close to, attempted suicide. Another woman got too close and attached to me, cried and told me she loves me. Another girl, a straight 10 blonde, called me darling and kept giving me hugs. I knew she was trouble so I didn’t respond apart from the usual pleasantries. Another lady friend of mine, one of her personalities told me that I had a beautiful smile and eyes and it always made her feel happy.

BP varied in a few hours from 104 to 149

Problems with my right eye. Turned out to be a contact lens glued to my eye, which has now been removed.

Lost weight again, thankfully not too much.

I had to be helped to my room as I nearly passed out. They wanted to take me to get my heart checked for arrhythmia, but nothing came of it. I have an appointment with a cardiologist.

Very disruptive new woman who interrupted all the groups she was in and could not be trusted to respect privacy.

Unable to go to intentions and meditation due to triggers of coughing, people arriving late etc.
Unable to go to evening wrap up for the same reason.

Most people there were for addiction. Lots of time with nothing to do. Phone time was very restrictive in the end. Getting meds was a big headache, often had to stand in line for 20 minutes. About 40 people there. Only two adjunctive sessions per week, so I would only have limited treatment during my stay. Poor sleep with nightmares.

Would I do it again? Yes, absolutely no regrets about going, despite the problems. It just wasn’t the right place for me in the end, with the medical and personal issues. I did meet some wonderful people there, and they helped me more than the therapists. In the end, I did not feel that it was a safe environment for me to be sharing. I simply could not do it.

I am not sure what I going to do now. I am back seeing my regular therapist. I have an appointment with a trauma therapist, but I am not sure if I am going to cancel or not. I am back in a deep depression and not feeling that trauma is the real issue right now. The strong suicidal urges are back. The self harm urges are back. I still have some IOP days left that I could use, but I don’t think that would help me right now.