Self harm can rear its ugly head in more than one way. Physical harm is one way, and psychological harm is another. Racing thoughts of being inadequate and not good enough, not deserving of anything are still self harm, but without the physical scars. I have been cutting more recently when the pain in my head becomes too much and I feel the need for a release.

What steps do you take when the urge to self harm start?

It has been a long time since I have managed to update here since my return from Santa Fe inpatient treatment. I continued to decline in mood and mental health. The depression, hopelessness, anxiety and hyper-vigilance all contributed to a deepening desire for suicide.

I mentioned that I was considering suicide in an email to my therapist on October 7th, the day that hurricane Michael hit us. At my appointment that morning, she asked me to go to a center to be checked to see if I was safe from attempting suicide. She had called my wife to tell her that I must go and be checked out. 

I drove through the storm to the center, filled out some forms and was then interviewed. I repeatedly told them that I was safe and it is just how I was feeling at that very second. They consulted with the doctor there who decided that I should be involuntarily admitted to a facility somewhere. No amount of reasoning with him worked. I walked out of the room and headed for the door but they refused to open it. There were about 6 people watching me, and through the glass in the door, I could see someone looking at me and talking on the phone. I assumed that they were talking to the police to come and get me.

A worker at the center needed to take a patient through the locked door, and I followed behind. I went to the bathroom and then ran out of the building. There were people from the center chasing me across the parking lot.

I drove away and parked in a development where I thought I could not be found. Location service was turned off my phone, and I contacted my therapist. She tried to calm me down and to hand myself in. I just drove around in a panic trying to decide where to go to. I could leave the state and be safe there.

After many hours of deep thinking, I went back to the house with the idea that I would pack some stuff in my car and head for Virginia and wait it out. In the end, I decided to just accept the situation, take a shower and get some sleep. The police didn’t come during the night or the next morning. They were probably very busy dealing with the hurricane.

Around midday, my wife called the local sheriff’s office to see if there was an order out to detain me, and there was but it was only valid for 24 hours, and was issued at 4:10 the previous day. I left the house and drove to a local park and just sat there, with phone location turned off, and waited until the 24 hours were up. When I got back, my sons said that about 30 minutes after I had left the house, the police had called there to take me to the secure unit.

Things were not improving, I was cutting most nights, on my leg. The cuts were very deep and making a real mess on the sheets. I was cutting deeply into the flesh and on one occasion I had to ask my wife for help as I could not stop the bleeding. I resorted to putting a towel on the bottom sheet to stop the blood from getting on the sheets. I was tired and ashamed at having to bleach wash the sheets everyday. After cutting I was immediately putting a large band-aid on the cut, but the blood still came through.

Skip forward to October 18th. I went to my usual appointment with my therapist. Everything seemed fine, then she handed me a letter and told me that I needed to see someone else for therapy as she would no longer see me as a client. She said I needed more intensive therapy and put me in touch with a DBT specialist. I was stunned. We hugged and I left her office.

I drove to a local park and contacted her via a special app on my phone, asking her to reconsider, but she wouldn’t. I was still in IOP at this time, so I called them, trying to not break down. There was nothing that they could really say or do. What is the worst fear of someone suffering from Borderline? REJECTION, and that is just what had happened to me in a major way. It totally validated all my harmful thoughts about myself.

I drove around for a while, bought gas and stopped at the ABC. You would have thought that after having some time to think, I would be rational again, but that wasn’t the case.

I drove to a large shopping center and parked right on the edge, well away from everyone. I took out my suicide kit of large amounts of old, saved meds, and a plastic bag. I started taking handful after handful of the meds. I could feel them taking effect. My phone rang and I knew it was the therapist that I had been seeing for well over two and a half years, weekly. That is a lot of time spent together, working on issues. I opened the messenger app and told her no phone calls. She wanted to know where I was and what I had taken. I refused to say, but she kept asking what she was supposed to do and what else she could have done. 

I was almost passing out at this stage and ready to put the plastic bag over my head when I noticed that there was a police car and ambulance parked in front of me. Someone must have called them, and they somehow traced where I was from my phone. I got out of the car and told them that I didn’t want or need any help and refused any treatment from them. After a few minutes, I could no longer stand because I was so close to passing out. I sat down on the grass. They continued to speak to me, but I don’t really remember much. I have a vague recollection of them getting me to lie on a trolley and being wheeled into the waiting ambulance. That is my last memory for about 10 days. 

I woke up in the local hospital ICU, hooked up to many monitors and multiple bags dripping fluid into various veins. I may have had some recollections, but they were probably just imaginary as I had been unconscious for a long time. I spent a total of 12 days in the ICU, with someone watching me all the time.

These details are all from what people have told me and from photographs that my wife took while I was in the ICU.

The hospital had to call poison control to find a protocol of treatment for my condition and the combination of medications I had overdosed on. I know I was intubated a number of times and in a coma. They put me on Fentanyl and Propofol to keep me sedated. At one time I had to be restrained to the hospital bed. I pushed my wife at one stage and my daughter yelled at me. I do remember that part because of the look of absolute hatred on my daughter’s face. It will haunt me forever.

The also inserted a catheter and it went wrong. My bladder would not empty so that had to do that and pulled out a liter of urine with an excruciatingly painful procedure. While I was intubated I contracted pneumonia which meant antibiotics and a partially collapsed lung, which thankfully cleared up. The antibiotics however made me get C-Difficile, so more antibiotics, and everyone who came into my room had to be gowned. I also ended up with a UTI. 

After I was released from the hospital, I was emotionally overwhelmed. Not with relief as you might expect, but anger. Anger that I had survived and that I had been saved when I didn’t want to be. Rage that I was still alive. I kept breaking down in tears of frustration. I was in a very bad way and needed to speak to someone about it all. I emailed my old therapist and was basically told to go to the hospital if I felt I was in danger.

The DBT group she wanted me to join was not covered by insurance and would cost $200 a week to attend. That is way out of my budget. There was another DBT group with a sliding scale, but it was an hours drive away, so four hours of driving a week was also out of the question, plus the cost of the group.

I am still trying to find a therapist, but having no luck. They either won’t take me, are not taking new clients, or do not take insurance.

On August 12th, I managed to get a stop at an inpatient center in the mid South. I stayed there for two weeks, and this is my impression of the place and what happened there. I am not going to name the center. The stay was paid for by my health insurance. I was originally scheduled to stay there for 30 days, but was medically discharged for blood pressure and possible heart arrhythmia.

Psychiatrist at the center told me that the overdose had damaged some nerves and that the noise in my head might get better in a few years time as the nerves regenerate.

Mindfulness and meditation
Told me that I don’t have hyper vigilance but I am just sensitive and it’s a gift and I should use it. I was invalidated. Just try being near me when I am startled and see if it is a ‘gift’.

Breathworks
Told me in the first 10 minutes that I do not have bpd just trauma and she asked me if I knew the criteria for a bpd diagnosis. Said that she would look at my records. She also told me that I might not want to stay married when I leave the center. She also told me that she didn’t believe in reiki and it does nothing. Odd experience with bad headache and possible memory of being hungry as a baby. Invalidated once again. 11 hours of psychological testing by two separate centers arrived at the same diagnosis.

Emdr
Visualized a safe place but it then changed and got polluted.

A young woman who gave me hugs and attention all the time and I was close to, attempted suicide. Another woman got too close and attached to me, cried and told me she loves me. Another girl, a straight 10 blonde, called me darling and kept giving me hugs. I knew she was trouble so I didn’t respond apart from the usual pleasantries. Another lady friend of mine, one of her personalities told me that I had a beautiful smile and eyes and it always made her feel happy.

BP varied in a few hours from 104 to 149

Problems with my right eye. Turned out to be a contact lens glued to my eye, which has now been removed.

Lost weight again, thankfully not too much.

I had to be helped to my room as I nearly passed out. They wanted to take me to get my heart checked for arrhythmia, but nothing came of it. I have an appointment with a cardiologist.

Very disruptive new woman who interrupted all the groups she was in and could not be trusted to respect privacy.

Unable to go to intentions and meditation due to triggers of coughing, people arriving late etc.
Unable to go to evening wrap up for the same reason.

Most people there were for addiction. Lots of time with nothing to do. Phone time was very restrictive in the end. Getting meds was a big headache, often had to stand in line for 20 minutes. About 40 people there. Only two adjunctive sessions per week, so I would only have limited treatment during my stay. Poor sleep with nightmares.

Would I do it again? Yes, absolutely no regrets about going, despite the problems. It just wasn’t the right place for me in the end, with the medical and personal issues. I did meet some wonderful people there, and they helped me more than the therapists. In the end, I did not feel that it was a safe environment for me to be sharing. I simply could not do it.

I am not sure what I going to do now. I am back seeing my regular therapist. I have an appointment with a trauma therapist, but I am not sure if I am going to cancel or not. I am back in a deep depression and not feeling that trauma is the real issue right now. The strong suicidal urges are back. The self harm urges are back. I still have some IOP days left that I could use, but I don’t think that would help me right now.

What is a DBT skills group like?

Tomorrow evening I start at the very beginning of a DBT skills group. It is once a week, a 1 hour 15 minute session in a group, for about 30 weeks. I hope to journal here each week what I have learned.